After War, Before Peace
by Lucifer Unforgiven
Summary: Heero broods over his new life after the war. Not that life is difficult, but the new emotions he was never able to freely express before are.


Disclaimer: I don't own Heero Yuy or anything associated with Gundam Wing. Please don't sue me! I'm not making money offa this. X_x  
  
Notes: This was a one shot, short thing. Oh, and if you don't like H x R then I don't suggest you read this.  
  
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After War, Before Peace - Written by Lucifer UnforgivenLeatrix  
  
I've learned to never question things in life because often times you'll never find the answer without searching for it. Whether it's within your self or in how others preserve the world. You can't expect to get you're answers handed to you on a silver platter.  
  
No one can deny that the people who are closest to you have the most considerable impact in how you live your life. You're mother, or father, sister or brother, friends or lovers. They can change you in a way you never thought was possible. They can take you're emotions and spin them around inside you're heart until you're so damn confused about what's truth and what's reality.  
  
I've always been told it's best to act on your emotions but for some reason, at this moment and time, I don't know what my emotions truly mean. If I can't understand my emotions, should I act on them or not?  
  
All the others are leading good lives. Not to say that my life at this moment isn't good. I'm doing quite well here on the earth. I've received a few messages from each of them. I feel happy for them. I didn't think I feel like I can consider them my friends. My views of them have changed since this war has ended. I never thought of us as anything but comrades. Things sure have changed.  
  
She always seemed to be there in spirit. My thoughts usually ended up drifting back to her after awhile. Is this love? I don't know. I've never been in love. I've never given a thought to love. Love isn't needed in a war. It's a distraction. It's nothing more then a distraction to the mission at hand. It hinders you. It's un-needed. But now my war is finally over. I thought I found peace. But I haven't, because every now and then my thoughts seem to drift back to her. Whether I'm at my new job here on earth, or in my apartment thinking quietly to myself. I haven't had a hard time adapting to the new situation.  
  
My views have changed on what's needed in life. Kindness, hopes, fears, dreams, friendship, goals for the future. But what is love? Is it as cliché as people seem to make it out to be? Is it really needed to have a good life? The prince meets the princess. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.  
  
I suppose others would have a hard time re-adapting to a new environment. I've never been anything but a soldier. The path I've taken hasn't been an easy one but I have survived and I will keep on surviving. And I will survive this too. Whatever this happens to be.  
  
Which leads me to my next thought. I've never mused about love. Why should I now? Some people make it out to be the most important thing in the world. To some people, their love is what keeps them alive. Why not live for ones self? One day the love will most likely die.  
  
Now I see what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of love because of rejection. Heero Yuy, the perfect soldier, afraid of being rejected. Maybe it's not exactly rejection I fear, it may be the fact that love can die when you least suspect it. I've gone through physical pain and psychological pain. But is psychological pain the same as emotional pain? I feel there is a slight difference between the two. To watch people die, to watch people suffer, to know that I've caused suffering to people in my life, it hurts me emotionally and psychological. Even if I did confess, do I deserve to be loved by her? Do I deserve to have friends who care about me?  
  
Should I see her? Should I go to her and tell her how I feel? In the past, if this had to do with anything else, I would of readily acted out. But I'm hesitant this time. I don't understand how someone could possibly affect me like this.  
  
She was a nuisance at first. But slowly she seemed to become important. Important to me? Maybe... But also important to world peace. And those facts made me protect her. Maybe even more so as I've slowly realized that she's also important to me.  
  
There are so many things in my head I can't express to this piece of paper right now. But I think I may have a better understanding of who I am, what I am becoming, and what I must do. Because I've been told. It's always best to act on your emotions. And I think, even if you can't understand what you're feeling, that it's still best to act on that feeling deep inside you're heart. It sounds corny written down here on this piece of paper, but it's what I believe. And I believe that I may find peace if I am able to find out what love is. I won't rely on it to keep me alive. I won't brood over it if things don't work out as planned. I will treasure it for as long as it happens to last.  
  
I never realized I had such a romantic streak in me. 


End file.
